The Dark Side With Nat X
Nat X…..Chris Rock
Colin Powell…..Tim Meadows
Vanilla Ice…..Kevin Bacon
Announcer: Live, from Compton. BET – that’s Black Entertainment Television – presents “The Dark Side With Nat X”. The only show on TV written by a brother, produced by a brother, and strictly for the brothers! Now get ready for a man so black, lightning bugs follow him in the daytime – step back, ’cause here comes Nat!
Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters! I’m Nat X, and welcome to “The Dark Side”, the only fifteen-minute show on TV. Why only fifteen? ‘Cause the Man would never give me an hour! Oh, the Man will give “Lame Ass” Rick Dees an hour, or the Man will give Bob Hope, a man so old he used to own slaves, an hour, but he can only take me for fifteen minutes! I think we all know who the Man is I’m talking about. I’m talking about the same man that calls a black cat bad luck, and a white cat pussy. I’m talking about the same man that teaches us if you squeeze hard into a black piece of coal long enough, you can turn it into a white diamond! Which goes to show, if you put enough pressure on any brother, you can turn him into Bryant Gumbel!
Alright now, it’s time for the Top 5. Why 5? ‘Cause 10 would make the Man nervous. Tonight’s the Top 5 Reasons Brothers don’t play hockey. Reason #5: It’s cold out there; Reason #4: They scared to get their gold tooth knocked out; Reason #3: Don’t want to be around white guys with sticks; Reason #2: Don’t want to be around a white guy with a mask; and the #1 Reason Black Guys Don’t Play Hockey: Don’t feel the need to dominate yet another sport. And that’s the Top 5 – that’s all I could get from Whitey at this time. Alright, my first guest.. [ siren blares, camera zooms in on Nat ] Uh-oh, what’s that? What’s that?! It’s a White-Man Cam! It’s a White-Man Cam! [ image of prison bars appear onscreen over Nat ] Get me outta here! Get me outta here! Set me free! White-Man Cam! [ back to normal ] Lord! Boy, I haven’t had that much fun since I saw Aunt Esther mud-wrestle Grady on “The Gong Show”!
Now, before I bring out my first guest, I just want to say that February is Black History Month. Isn’t that nice? The Man gives us February because it’s the shortest month of the year! Now, I’m not complaining, but I think we deserve at least a thirty-day month. It’s also the coldest month of the year, just in case we wanted to have a parade. Now, my first guest tonight is known to most of you at home as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Please welcome Colin Powell. [ Powell walks out to “War”, saluting as Nat raises his fist ] Now, Brother Powell, could you tell the people at home exactly what you do?
Colin Powell: Well, Mr. X, as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, I’m in charge of all the Armed Forces.
Nat X: Alright, let me get this straight, let me get this straight. You control the black troops?
Colin Powell: No. No, I’m in charge of all the troops, regardless of colour.
Nat X: Okay, that’s nice. I know the white man’s got you up front, but who’s the real boss?
Colin Powell: Now, I report directly to the Commander-in-Chief – the President of the United States.
Nat X: Ah-hah! I think I hear it! I hear them troops coming through now! I hear them coming! Alright, now when you report to the President in his White House, does he make you bring him coffee?
Colin Powell: [ pause ] That information is Top Secret Mr. X.
Nat X: Just as I thought! Did you ever think that Bush gave you the job, just in case he blew up the world, he could blame it on a black man?
Colin Powell: Look, Mr. X, I think it would be in your best interest to change your line of questioning!
Nat X: [ put off ] Now, what kind of Brother are you! You think just because you got that uniform on, you’re not black? Well, I’ll tell you one thing – you make the wrong move, the white man will hang you faster than a Christmas light on the day after Thanksgiving! Sandman, get him out of here! [ Sandman sweeps his broom across the floor, as Powell exits the stage ] If you were a real Brother, you would take that Army to South Africa! Now, a lot of people call my next guest the Elvis of Rap, because they like the way he looks and dances. I call Vanilla Ice Elvis because I wish he was dead! Please welcome Vanilla Ice. [ Vanilla Ice enters, dancing to “Ice Ice Baby” ] Sit your white ass down! [ Vanilla Ice sits ] Now, Vanilla, I don’t mean to be so hard on you, but let’s just say I heard a few things!
Vanilla Ice: Yo, man! You know, I could understand why a lot of people don’t think I’m a real rapper. But I think it’s just ’cause a lot of people are jealous about all the records I sell. I just want to say to them: Ice is gonna be aroun’ for a while. Word to your mother!
Nat X: [ pause ] Now, there’s a big controversy about your bio. Could you tell the people out here exactly where you’re from?
Vanilla Ice: I’m from the streets, man! If it weren’t for rap, I’d probably be in jail, or dead. Word to your mother!
Nat X: [ fuming ] So you’re saying you’re from the streets?
Vanilla Ice: Word to your mother!
Nat X: What street? “Sesame Street”? Now, Cracker Boy, I was watching your video the other day, and I was wondering: How’d they do it?
Vanilla Ice: How’d they do what?
Nat X: How could they make it look like you could dance? I mean, did they do something with the camera? Or did they get a black body double? Or did they feed you chitlins? I mean, what goes on?
Vanilla Ice: No, man, no! That was me dancing, man! I do all my own steps! Word to your mother!
Nat X: So you really think you can dance, huh? Man, you can’t dance! Sandman, give me some music so I can show this pale boy what dancing really is! [ Nat stands, and begins to hip-hop to Sly & The Family Stone ] Colin Powell! Come and join me! [ Colin Powell joins in ] Now, I guess I showed that boy what dancing is! I gotta end the show right now, so the Man can have his newscast. But tune in next week, when my guests will be Al Sharpton and the guy who stabbed him. Stay strong, Brothers!